Take it.

Take the whole ugly, black, stinking mess.

I don’t want it.

I’m done.

 

I’m tired.

I’m weary to the very core of my bones.

I give up.

I’m done.

 

Thank You.

Thank You for wanting to take it from me.

You love me enough.

You have control.

 

So, I’ll skip the pretty box.

And the glittery bow.

I am handing it to You.

Oozing and pulsing and draining my life.

 

Take it.

 

C. Usher,

Jan.2007

It's going OK.
I have not even been here in a while.

I was reading my last post and finding it incredibly ironic.

The day after I posted my life as I knew it fell apart.
I am not going to expound on what happened but suffice it to say that it was a VERY difficult holiday season.

The good part is...I am in a position to change my life for the better.
Get closer to God
Get closer to Derek
Get closer to my kids
Get closer to my friends

I posted this on my church forum the other day:

OK, I have talked to a few people and here is where I am at...

It is time for me to learn to be a little girl and to love God as my Father.
Because of my life's circumstances I was never truly able to be a little girl.
For the same reasons I don't have many childhood memories.

Some of the ones that remain though are of lying in bed at night and not being able to sleep because my room was full of "people". I would hear them all talking at once, many different conversations getting louder and louder until they all melded into one incredibly loud, screaming, tinny voice yelling my name. Over and over and over. It was terrifying and I was usually paralyzed with fear. This happened often.

Other things I remember are seeing lights floating around outside my bedroom window that had no logical reason for being there and just praying that they would not come in. Sometimes I would see faces in my window. Sometimes I would see horrible visions if I tried to close my eyes and go to sleep. Things like my mother's face screaming and covered with blood.

There were things that happened in "real life" as well. My stepfather sexually abused me for years. I spent a lot of my night time fighting with this spiritual stuff and trying to have superhuman hearing so I could hear if he was coming to my room and try to think of a way to avoid him. (I am remembering stuff as I type, weird.) I also developed a dependence on books, I still cannot sleep at night unless I read until I am too tired to see the words. There was a point before I discovered drugs that I read so much I could not easily tell the difference between books and real life. I remember one night where I read 20 Sweet Valley High books in one night. (Yes, you can teach yourself to speed read.)

I am not sure how long these things continued. I think it was until I was in my late teens and diagnosed with clinical depression because I had been crying for pretty much 3 months straight. They put me on Prozac and everything went away. I have had maybe 2 or 3 very minimal incidents since then.

Side note: I was not raised in a Christian home but I remember as a preteen and teenager wandering the streets at night singing Jesus Loves Me to myself when I was feeling "hunted".

I believe that because of where I am at right now emotionally and spiritually Satan is trying to reclaim whatever stake he had in me as a child. He is trying to make me feel crazy and alone and hopeless. His other recent attacks have not killed me so He is trying to make me feel like I did then in order to get me to be disobedient and stand up with my sword and my cape and fight.

In response I say this...

It is my time to be a child.
It is not my time to fight.
I WILL NOT pick up my sword and/or cape right now.
I will allow the people around me to fight for me while I rest with God.
I will continue down the path God has set before me and learn to be His daughter.

If you see me deviate from this please help me get back on track.

So, that is where I am at right now.
Down a crappy road but ending up in a pretty good place.

If you think of me toss up a prayer, prayer is always good.

Hi, sorry I haven't posted in like forever.

I'm doing OK.
Still trying to get into a new doctor, mine never did call me back.
Bitch!

I have not had a period since the miscarriage so it is important to get into a doctor, but that is hard.
Most days I am good.  I am not in depression which is a major miracle in itself.  I am thankful for that.

I was at church yesterday and was doing great until a friend who is pregnant came in.  She has not been coming a lot so I don't see her often.  We would have been pregnant together and our due dates would have been pretty close together.  Seeing her brought up some stuff for me but I got through it.  I have great friends.

Anywho...I don't want my whole life to be about this.
I really am doing well.  Getting ready for Christmas, getting ready for birthdays, loving my church, loving my fiends, and my family of course.

I can't really think of anything else to say right now.

Merry Christmas!

I spent 6 1/2 hours in the emergency room last night. I got sick of waiting for my doctor to call me and just went to the hospital.

I have definitely miscarried. Normal HCG levels for 10 weeks pregnancy are between 13 300 and 253 000. Mine is 233.

I will be going in for an ultrasound this afternoon just to make sure that I don't have to have a D & C. I probably won't have to.

On a positive note, all the horror stories I had heard about SMH were definitely disproved today. Despite the long wait and the ultimate result, our experience there was great. The staff was fantastic.

Derek and I have already decided that we are going to keep trying to get pregnant. We are not ready to give up. I don't in any way understand why this happened but I am somewhat comforted by the fact that I will see this baby in heaven.

We are going to try to find a new doctor though. I am completely disgusted with mine at this point. I understand being busy but her choices in this case just seem really uncaring, if not cruel.

I can't really think of anything else to say. Thank you so much for all of your prayers and love and support.

Well, my doctor told me on Monday that she thinks I may have miscarried.  She sent me for some blood tests and was supposed to call me.
It is Friday evening and she never did call me and her receptionist will not let me through to her.

Needless to say I am a little stressed out right now.
Actually, I am scared as hell and I feel like my heart is breaking.

9 years I have been waiting to get pregnant.
If I have lost this child God is going to have a lot to answer for.

I am really on the edge of a serious breakdown.
If anyone still reads this, I would really appreciate your prayers.

I thought I would have a big long post to write but I find that all I really have to say is...

I AM PREGNANT!

After 9 years of trying I am finally pregnant.

YAY!!!

Well, it is 4 days away from my 10th wedding anniversary.  I am excited.  We are having a big party and decided to make it a goth costume party.  What fun!  I can't wait to see how people dressup.
I can't believe I have been married ten years.  It does not feel like that long.  A lot of the time I still feel like I did when we first got married.  You know, those butterflies in your stomach, the anticipation before seeing him.  That incredible love.  It just keeps getting better, he just keeps getting better.  I am sooo lucky.  He is the best man I know and he just keeps getting better.  Better looking too.

It is also approximately 3 weeks until I don't go to work anymore.  For those who don't know, I have quit my job to be at home for the kids.  They are rapidly becoming teenagers and we decided that we want to be the house where all the kids go instead of the parents who are wondering where their kids are.  Hopefully things work out as planned.
I will be doing daycare and some piece work for TJ's but my income is decreasing by about 1/2.  Very scary.  I trust that I am doing what God wants me to so I am trying to trust that He will make sure the finances are OK.  It is hard.  Anyone have work that I can do at home?

Anyway I am at work and have to start right away so I should go.

talk to you later...

Leanne,
Cool, it will be nice to see you.  I assume you are coming up to help Dan and Shauna?  I am sure we can work something out.  Email me.  Oh, the links...I just wanted to make the list smaller and lots of people's change often.  Nothing personal.

Hannah,
No problem.  Kicking your ass I mean.  The only problem is that I was being totally hypocritical.  Sigh...someday I will dance.  Let's make a pact.

talk to you later...

Just so you all don't think I am living in a state of perpetual frustration I thought I would do a quick update and let you know that I am doing OK.


Ok, I know, I know, enough with the emoticons.  Admit it though...that was fun!

talk to you later...

I am frustrated.
I am frustrated with people who can only see their side of things while they are accusing you of being close minded.
I am frustrated with people who say one thing and then do another and think its ok.
I am frustrated with people who say they want something and when it is offered to them they refuse it because it is not on their terms or not how they think it should be.
I am FRUSTRATED with people who use passive agressive manipulation as a life skill.
I am frustrated with people who cloak their poison barbs in "sweetness" and "humility".
I am frustrated with people who get mad at me because they assume I expect them to be like me when the real reason they are mad is because they expect me to be like them.
I am really fucking frustrated with people who say nasty things about the people and the community I love and assume that nobody notices and nobody is hurt.
I am frustrated with people who are so focused on THEIR hurt that they cannot see the hurt they are causing others.
I am frustrated with people who are too chicken shit to say what they really mean.
I am frustrated with people who continually experience the same "bad" things in myriad different environments over a number of years and still assume that everyone else is the problem.  If YOU are the only constant in all of the situations YOU are probably the problem!
I am frustrated with people who live their lives in "poor me" syndrome.
I am frustrated with people who are phsycic vampires, sucking you dry emotionally until you get wise to them.
I am frustrated with people who hurt those who love them and don't appear to care.
I am frustrated with people who cannot comprehend that they WILL have to suffer the consequences of their actions.  Yes, God forgives.  You still reap what you sow.
I am frustrated with the fact that I have done or will do most of these things.

OK, I'm done venting.  I know it doesn't seem like it but I am actually doing quite well.  Just needed to vent a bit.  Thanks for your patience.